Possibly one of the greatest playlists I have ever listened to

Is the right thing the hardest to do or the easiest?

Is the wrong thing the easiest to do or the hardest?

I let you go. And this fucking hurts. But did I do the right thing.. or the wrong thing?

Someone please help me figure it out. Everything about this keeps me up at night - all night. I just want to shut my mind off and sleep but I can’t. Care to know why? It’s because it’s so fucking hard lying next to someone but thinking about someone else.

My life is such a mess. Actually, I am the mess.

The moon is on my side
I have no reason to run..
So will someone come and carry me home tonight?
The angels never arrived
but I can hear the choir..
So will someone come and carry me home ?

Everyone has that one deep, dark secret they can’t even tell their best friend, because if anyone found out, their entire life would change… forever

I’ve come to the realization today that my priorities are kinda all wrong. I don’t want to be confused by you.. or us.. or whatever this is. I don’t want to feel lonely without you here. I don’t want to be disappointed anymore. I’m tired of loving you. Wait - that’s lie: I‘m just tired of the consequences of my feelings. I am so infatuated with you that I’m hurting the ones dear to my heart. But more importantly, I am self-destructing and I need to love myself above anything else. I don‘t love myself: I look in the mirror and feel like breaking down. That is so unacceptable but I can‘t help it.

I want to go and live my life and be free.  My life would be so much easier — there would be no more confusion, no more loneliness, no more disappointment, and no more sadness. Now, I can’t say that there would no longer be love in my life, because I do love someone dearly & I don’t want to risk losing him. So I have to settle with no longer loving you. I no longer want to carry the weight of your problems on my shoulders; the feeling like I have to take care of you. But I can’t even take care of myself. I feel that if I don’t look after you something tragic will happen and that scares me absolutely shitless.. but I guess it’s part of letting go.

Looking back, it’s really scary how much time out of my day is consumed by you. I constantly find myself wondering what you are doing, who you are with, who’s making you laugh, who gets to be in your physical presence and so on. I think I spend the better part of my day being jealous and mad over things I cannot control. You know, I was never a jealous person until I met you. I can’t even explain when it started, but now I am. I hate that about myself — jealousy is an ugly trait. Often I find myself wondering why I am jealous? What is there to be jealous of? What good comes out of it? 

I don’t know why it took me so long to realize, but there is no benefit! I know that whatever we would have together would be pure lust. I see no real substance to any sort of intimate relationship that could arise from this. Actually, that’s a lie too. I can see myself with you but you have your demons, and I have mine and they both produce such a conflict of interest it’s ridiculous.

So I’m snapping out of it now. I will no longer sit and be jealous and mad. No - I won’t do either of those.. but I know that I will worry about you every day and think about all of those “what if’s”. I know this decision is not going to easy, and I know it’s going to hurt — but as they say, no pain no gain. Today I’m okay with losing the pain associated with you, and gaining back the rest of my life that I have been neglecting. It really has been a long time coming, but today I think I’m finally okay with it.

Now, my one wish for you is that you don’t settle. I think that is my biggest pet peeve when it comes to you. You know what you need to do to bring happiness into your life. You need a change of scenery, you need a new circle of people in your life, you need a stable job. What you don’t need is to carry around other’s baggage. Put yourself first for once. Do what is good for yourself. 

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but I hope that you can understand that I did this because I needed to for myself.

I’m not even sure that you will read this.. but I hope one day you do..

love always.

xo

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